Back Seat Driving
by Frozeninspace
Summary: In which Dean is Baby, Baby is also Baby, Gabriel isn't the problem, and Sam gets a hernia from laughing. Sadly, I own nothing.
1. Chapter 1

Dean was perfectly happy as a human. I mean, life wasn't as great as it could be (_thank you, Azazel_), but Dean was content, especially now he was at the bunker, and he was happy being a living, breathing human.

So, when he woke up one night as his CAR, he was a bit surprised. And a lot angry.

What the fuck, he thought, as he got used to the fact that he wasn't in his bed anymore. Why is it cold, and why do my arms and legs feel like I'm leaning on aspha- _ooooooohhhhhhhhh_.

Dean realised that his arms and legs were now tyres, lying on the ground, and that his brain lay somewhere between the middle of the front seats, near the stick shift. He didn't even want to think about where certain, other, *important* organs were, but he was willing to bet that they were probably somewhere around the exhaust area. Lovely.

Unfortunately, one thing that seemed to have crossed over into this bizzaro land where Dean was a car was his raging hangover, caused by trying to outdo the newly human Castiel in shots- Dean had been very wrong in assuming his angel anti-drunkenness powers had gone too. Cas had drunk him under the table, long after Sam had yelled 'fuck this shit' and stumbled/crawled to bed. He was all better from those damned trials, and they were trying to lie low for a bit before trying to kick Metatron's saggy angel ass.

But for now, Dean was just pissed about being a car. Especially his baby, cos after all, wasn't Baby meant to be, you know, a GIRL?

Dean sat brewing for a short while, until he felt his top left ribs open (and trust me, it was not a nice experience) and felt a weight on top of his kidney. Aw crap, someone was in his car...wait, someone was inside him, since he was now said car..._** this is too much for my hangover**_, he yelled at himself.

Dean focussed on who was in the seat, coming to the conclusion that it was Sam. His baby brother was inside him..._I really hope Chuck isn't alive if he could be seeing this. _

Sam started the engine, aka Dean's heart and lungs, and life revved into him. He turned the radio on, before singing a particularly bad rendition of the Blurred Lines song that Dean wanted to bleach out of his head...apparently Dean still had ears, and that song was Catchy.

Before long, Dean figured that he needed to figure out how to talk. He thought that maybe he could use the radio, so he started to talk to himself while trying to tune it.

Just as Dean got it tuned right, Sam turned the car off and got out.

Just peachy.

When Sam got back in, Dean was ready.

'SAMMY!'

'WHAT THE FUCK!' Sam squealed, honest to God, squealed like a pig, sending tomatoes and burger meat flying.

'It's me.'

'Who's me? You haven't possessed the car, have you? Cos my brother's gonna freak...wait, how do you know my name?'

'Cos I'm your brother, dumbass.'

'Dean, is that really you?'

'In the, er, flesh.'

'What did you do?'

'I didn't do anything, I just woke up as my baby.'

'Did you make a wish upon a star?' Dean could /hear/ the bitch face.

'Dude, no. No Disney shit. No stars. Just plain old witchcraft is what this feels like to me. Maybe a Trickster?'

'Maybe. In the meantime, what's it like? Y'know, being a car.'

'It isn't cool. Right now, you're sitting somewhere in the region of my kidney.'

'Whoa.'

'Yeah.'

They sat in silence for a few minutes as Sam began to drive back to the bunker, until Dean started to hum absentmindedly.

'Dude, seriously? You're humming that?'

'What?'

'It's wildly appropriate.'

'How so? I barely know it.'

'It's the theme from Full Metal Jacket.'

'Shut up.'


	2. Chapter 2

So, Dean was a car. And Sam couldn't help but laugh.  
His brother, who spent his entire life doting on his car rather than himself, was now that very car.

It was ironic, if you thought about it.

The only issue was the whole 'I am inside my brother thing' and they'd come up with a compromise. Turns out the MoL bunker had a shitload of classic cars, some of which would make Dean's mouth water in a way that really shouldn't be caused by a piece of machinery- my brother has many issues, thought Sam,- and he had the skills to fix the very minor things wrong with them. Amazingly, they were in just the same condition as Ba- er, Dean.

Meanwhile, life in the Bunker was as normal as ever. Everyone knew what had happened to Dean, with various reactions. Castiel had just said 'of course he has' and went back to reading his Tolstoy book, Kevin had laughed until he couldn't breathe...several times, and Crowley said something along the lines of 'I always knew you'd end up riding your brother's arse', leading to a flick in the eye and a bitchface from Sam.

* * *

Dean was irritated since he was a car, but he knew that the guys were working on it, so he stayed put. Not that he could drive off, since Sam had pulled up the handbrake, aka his spleen. He'd gotten used to the discomfort. He'd also realised that while he was like this, he wasn't going to get laid for a while, which sucked further. And he wanted a burger.  
But he'd also started getting a weird feeling about being a car (because being a car was just a regular day for Dean), in that he felt like he wasn't alone in the, er, trunk.

_Hello?_ he tried thinking out loud.

Nothing.

_Yo, hello? Anyone there?_

Silence again. I might be going crazy. Well, 'might' is pushing it. Okay, one last shot.

_Vrmm vrmm?_

_For the love of God Deano, I love you, but could you puh-lease shut that pretty mouth of yours?_

_Who are you?_

_Well, you know me as Baby._

_MY CAR IS ALIVE WHAT THE FUCK_

_DEAN YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE ME A SHATTERED WING MIRROR IF YOU DON'T SHUT YOUR TRAP_

_Whoa okay, sorry Baby...if that really is your name._

_Of course it is. You only got one thing wrong though._

_What's that?_

_Not a girl._

_Are you fucking kidding me?_

_Yes. I am a girl._

_Good. Wait, how are you talking to me?_

_Cos you're in my fucking body, idjit._

_Fair enough...idjit?_

_Bobby when he was a ghost._

_You two TALKED?_

_No, Dean. He waved flags about._

_Sarcastic little shit._

_Like owner, like car._

_Touché._

* * *

Whilst Dean was acquainting himself with his car, Sam was busy trying to work out what was going on with Cas.

'Sam, did your brother offend a witch at all?'

'Not that I know of.'

'Did he meet any Tricksters?'

'No more than me.'

'Hmm. This is strange.'

'No shit, Sherlock.'

'I am not a creation of Arthur Conan Doyle, Sam. I am a creation of God.'  
'Cas it's - never mind.'

'I'm personally swayed towards Trickster with a vendetta.'

'Really? What makes you say that?'

'Well, Gabriel was the Trickster King, and many of his...subjects, as it were, may feel that you and Dean are responsible for his death.'

'Shit.'

'Faeces have nothing to do with this.'

'Cas...'

* * *

**A/N: since I didn't say it in the last chapter, hello! After beginning to read 2 Human!Impala fics, including one by my personal favourite author, nani'anela, which I suggest you read! I decided to write one myself, but with a little twist. I'm writing this at 25 to midnight so if I'm being stupid rather than funny, please tell me!**  
**Rhea **


	3. Chapter 3

'So, Trickster with a vendetta huh?'

'If my calculations are correct, yes. Of course, this human brain isn't quite as capable as my former grace was. Now, I can't quite be sure how to pronounce certain things. It's quite irritating.'

'That says disorientated, Cas. Diss-or-ee-enn-tayt-edd.' Sam was happy to try and help Cas while he was reading the instructions for some headache tablets. Since the angel had fallen, he had forgotten how to read certain words. Amazingly, his Supernatural knowledge, and apparently the name of every burger bar east of Ottawa, had remained intact.

'Disorentiated.'

'Almost. I'll help when we get back.'

Currently, they were in the Deanpala, and apparently he wasn't alone. Sam's reaction had been something along the lines of 'did you make a deal for this?' before falling about laughing until his stomach hurt and tears came out his eyes, while Castiel simply said 'I know- she's spoken to me on more than one occasion. Oh, and she likes to be called Baby. She also wouldn't mind if you went a little lighter on her. Apparently, you 'rode her a little roughly' last time.' This only increased Sam's laughing before he choked out 'I KNEW you liked her too much!'

They were on their way to the warehouse where they'd learnt Gabriel's enrolment in the Witness Protection Program. That was still there, they knew that, and also the last known place they had seen him that hadn't been destroyed by a certain Archangel with major Daddy Issues.  
They drove Dean into the warehouse, before pulling their weapons out of his trunk- which was actually like pulling open Dean's ass. Sam had laughed, saying he remembered that feeling, before grumbling that he would have to get some brain bleach to forget that memory. They had everything they needed to summon him, or even a Trickster should he not show up.

They did the archangel summoning, and they got nothing. Not even after three hours. So they summoned a Trickster, who seemed deleted to meet them.

'Ah, the famous Winchester brothers. Our Leader told us all about you.'

'So, where is this fearless leader of yours?'

'Oh, now, this isn't going to be 'take us to your leader' clichés, is it?'

'I dunno, maybe?'

'Oh Samsquatch. How wrong you are.'

The Trickster, originally a tall, stocky man, turned into a short man with slightly ginger hair.

'Gabriel.'

'Why, yes, my dear Samoose.'

'Don't call me that.'

'Samoose?'

'Dear.'

'You didn't mind last time.' The Archangel tipped a wink.

'I...errr...we didn't...wut...

'Well, you're no worse than my lil bro. Whose boyfriend is currently a car.'  
'I hold no desire for a relationship with Dean whatsoever. He is simply a hot piece of ass, as you would put it.' You could hear Dean choking on his brake fluid. 'Besides, Sam believes Dean is in love with the car he has now become.' More choking.

'Oh yeah. How you holdin' up, Deano?'

'I'm a freaking car. How do you think?'

'Hmm. Well, I'm afraid it's not my work, you lot. But I MIGHT know who...'

'Who?' Baby spoke. 'Look, I want this asshat out of my head as soon as possible.'

'Enchanté.'

'Don't use that French on me, y'idjit. One more word out of you that isn't the name of the guy who did this, and I'll bitchslap you with one of my doors so hard your Daddy'll feel it.'

'His name's Augustine. Another Heaven dropout. Sees-ya!'

With that, the mini-archangel vanished, leaving everyone rather perplexed.

'Well,' Baby said, both to herself and to Dean, 'I guess August isn't our lucky month after all.'

* * *

A/N: Hey again! Sorry for not posting for a little while, and also for if this isn't very good, but I had to have my guinea pig put down on Friday and wasn't really in the mood to write for a little while. But hey, I'm back!  
Also, if any you're interested in/ are reading my other story, Team Free Heaven, I'm halfway through another chapter for that, so that should be up sorta soon.  
Ttfn!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I blame life. I haven't had any time to do anything and then the servers crashed whenever I tried to access this site from anywhere other than my phone, so have a slightly longer chapter.

Sorry, and thank you to all of my followers, favouriters and reviewers!

* * *

'Dude, you gotta get me out of here. I think I might be losing my mind.'

Two weeks later saw Dean still as a car, despite numerous attempts to catch the angel who did this. Sam wanted to have the impala back rather than hearing his brother wailing whenever he got into the car…and he was fed up of his brother honking the horn every night yelling 'SAMMY I'M HUNGRY FILL ME UP' which led to a lot of sniggering from Kevin, and Charlie whenever she popped round. They'd explained to her what had happened when suddenly the Impala (who they'd affectionately named Amber) peeped up and started flirting with Charlie.

Well, she was Dean's car after all.

Meanwhile, Sam was still looking for the right ritual when Gabriel appeared behind him.

'Stuck, are we, Sasquatch?'

'Yeah, thanks to you.'

'Hey, hey, don't be like that, man. I'll help, but it'll cost ya!'

'What do you want?'

'Well, now that you mention it a Segway would be- whoa, whoa, I'm kidding. I don't really like that bitchface of death staring at me. Okay. I just want an honest answer about something.'

'What?'

'Was what I did really that bad?'

'Which time?'

'Mystery Spot.'

'You killed my brother, so I'm gonna go with yes.'

'Shame. That was my way of seducing you.'

'Oh really.'

'Nope, just messing with you again. I was gonna give you the summoning anyway, but you know. Trickster god and all that. Here you go, Samoose.'

'Don't call me that.'

'No, you said 'don't call me dear.' Samoose is fine.'

'No it's not.'

'Samsquatch?'

'No.'

'Sammy?'

'Only my brother the car can say that.'

'You're killing me here.'

'Good. Maybe then you won't be so annoying.'

'You wound me.'

'Oh, yes, I can hear the violins.'

'You're no fun. I'm off.'

With that, Gabriel left, leaving a piece of paper on the floor. Sam picked it up and smiled. 'Gotcha, Augustine.'

* * *

Dean, meanwhile, was learning how to deal with life with a woman. And it was hard.

Apparently, dirty thoughts are the key to tornados, and gods forbid you mention her age. All Dean wanted was a moment to himself, but no, apparently that's not okay when you're literally sharing the mind of a female car.

And don't even get him started on the weird PMS that Amber went through. He thought that cars would be immune, but no. Just as likely to be like that once a month as regular human women.

This sucks, though Dean, and felt agreement echo through him.

_Can't wait to be in my own head again._ _You boys are okay when I'm not a sentient being._

I hear you sister.

_I AM NOT YOUR SISTER I AM OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR MOTHER SO HELP ME DEAN WINCHESTER YOU WERE CONCEIVED IN MY SEATS SO YOU CAN SHUT IT_

Chill, it's a figure of speech. Wait, the back seat?!

_Oh. Sorry._

S'okay, I expect it. You are a woman after all. Also, TMI.

_Sexist asshat._

You love me really.

_Son of a bitch._ _Actually, your mom was nice. You're the bitch._

Says the girl.

_Touché._

God, I can't wait to be human again.

_And I can't wait for you to be human again._

Bitch.

_Jerk._


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! Regarding them raising Gabriel from the dead, I personally think that if that guy could fake his death once, he could probably do it again, and that Castiel would know, so. Also I love Gabriel and he's in every multi-chapter fic I write, be it a big or small part, so don't be surprised should he crop up at the strangest moments! Also, nani'anela, here you are, with more sassy Amber!

* * *

The second Gabriel had left, Sam grabbed the address and went outside, climbing into Dean and beginning to drive. Castiel was in the back, occupied by the variety of strange things that lay hidden on the floor. Dean was preoccupied with singing along to the radio, but not particularly well, which was driving Amber crazy.

'Holy crap Dean, could you top with the god-awful noise? I sounds like there's a bag of cats stuck in my carburettor.'

'Oh c'mon, I'm not that bad!'

'Well, you're enthusiastic I'll give you that. Just...shut the fuck up!'

'Okay, okay, fine. Just stop with the PMS.'

'What's PMS?'

'Uh...never mind.'

* * *

The next few hours were quiet. Castiel fell asleep in the back, and Sam could hear Dean snoring while Amber kept complaining that her shock absorbers were wearing out. Sam couldn't believe that a car was talking to him, because hey, this stuff only happens in movies. He eventually pulled into a motel for the night, exhausted since New York was a long way away, and pulled Castiel into the room and dropped him onto the bed. Dean was still snoring, and Amber joined him, strangely exhausted despite the lack of organs.

A little while later found Sam gradually getting more and more annoyed. Because, as it turned out, Cas was a sleep talker.

'I raised you out of hell you l'il bitch so you'd better listen...no I do not want pistachios...Dean there is no way an alpaca will fit into the Impala...Yes I'll have the bacon deluxe...Sam why don't you cut your hair, it's starting to resemble a girl's...yes, Picard, I will give you the key to 221B Baker Street, just be sure to ask the pink elephant under the stairs...' It went on like this for hours. Damn Dean for letting the angel watch all of those TV shows.

It went on like this for a few hours, until Sam finally fell asleep, listening to the murmurs of 'Dean you have exactly 584 freckles' and 'Gabriel, for the last time, a venomous duck beaver isn't a smart idea, put it into the scrap pile...no, Gabriel, Australia isn't the scrap pile...wait, what do you mean that's where you put everything else?', which led to some equally hilarious dreams.

* * *

Meanwhile, an angel-turned-trickster was watching them from the CCTV cameras at the front desk. He had sandy hair in a mullet, green eyes, and seemed to be wearing a checked shirt and torn blue jeans. Of course, they knew him as Ash, the techy guy who died a long time ago.

Oh, how wrong they were.

* * *

A/N: sorry this was so short! However, I think Ash is a good character for this, since we know he's quite jokey, and hey, let's face it, we all know that this is what he would do had he really been an angel...please read and review!


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